dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
