DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
