What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
