i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
