I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
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Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize