i love accidental penises.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
