Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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