Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
