those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
