note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
