take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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