My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
