I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
