I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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