he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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