the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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