I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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