ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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