Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
