Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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