you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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