Got a toothbrush?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
