My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
