I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she peed on how many people?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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