He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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