You're a womanizer and a bitch.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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