News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
