i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You left your phone here
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