Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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