seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
