Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
