he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize