I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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