Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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