I just cut my nipple shaving
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
