true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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