I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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