this just has baby written all over it
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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