if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
