Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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