Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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