god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
