i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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