Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
