Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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