Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
