if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
