fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
