sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize