She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
