i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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