thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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