They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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