why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
